it has been many months since I have written. I was finally used to the rhythms of grief and no longer surprised when it periodically grew louder and stronger. About a week before “going home” to Pennsylvania it is harder and the anticipation of going home brings more grief than actually being there. Thanksgiving and Christmas were poignant times of experiencing again his absence and feeling his loss more acutely. But at Christmas I could also appreciate his joy at celebrating the birth of his Savior with Him in heaven.
And now it is nearly a year since he died. A year. A long time, a short time, it flew, it dragged, a realization that I have grown accustomed to this loss which is in itself a loss and grief.
After Christmas and in to January I realized that Feb 10 date was approaching and have dreaded it a bit. However, I was surprised by what has been happening. I suddenly was experiencing short flashes of memory of the hospital parking lot, the snowy weather, the hospital hallway, his hospital room. These happened at odd quiet moments. As I considered what was happening I realized I was seeing again what I had experienced a year ago. He was in the hospital for three weeks in January and we spent much of that time in Pennsylvania. I was not consciously aware of that anniversary, but my heart and mind were and were reminding me that this too was a major event in my life, the beginning of the end to come.
So, am living those moments. I am not sure why this one year anniversary looms large. It was a day, but the loss has encompassed EVERY day since then. But we humans do acknowledge many yearly anniversaries….holidays, birthdays, marriages and I so guess deaths become part of the list.
Just a few short weeks. I brace myself for the intensity that will come again and will be gracious with myself as I move toward the day just a year ago that changed my life.